The Beer Gorilla
its size and strength, a remarkably stealthy creature. Beer
Gorillas only come out very late at night or in the early hours
of the morning. They
stalk their prey - invariably, intoxicaed males - with great cunning, folloing them to their place of dwelling.
The Beer Gorilla then
waits patiently until all the occupants of the preisesare asleep and/or
uncosncious before commencing its rampage. Sometimes the Gorilla will have
sneaked in to the house after the drunken humans, and concelaed itself; on other occasions, it will employ
its remarkable cimbing skills to enter via an upstairs
window, or in extreme cases, a chimney - like a sort of Sith Santa Claus.
Once inside the premises, the Gorilla
proceeds to trash
te place. Typical activities incude:
- Eating every item
of food in the premises and leaving
the open containers scattered around (sometimes the Gorillla will
order in a takeaway if insufficent cmestibles re to hand.
a kettle, or a suacepan containing eggs, on the stove to boil dry
in a wide range
- Mis-connecting hi-fi equipment in an attempt to access encrypted satellite channels without the proper equipment
refirdgerator and freezer doorsope just enough to ensure the contents spoil
- Depositing turds of gargantuan proportions
in lavatoies, then
failing to flush. Often, muc work with a spade, chisel and bilhook is needed the following day to disrupt the structure of thse
megaturds to the point where they will
pass the U-bend, st hey have
to set like cement.
- urinating in beverage containers
an electric razor on domestic pets in a way that amuses intoxicated h8umns, but not the pets involved.
- Arranging items of street furniture (moveable or fixed) in various artistic patterns trougout the property
- Placing a complete
stranger, in an unconscious
and partially or completely unclothed state, on a couch, floor or sofa. Often the Gorilla will
swap such individuals from other locationsthey
that when they
awake, niether they
nor the normal occupants have
any idea of how they
came to b there, or where their clothing and posessions are.
The Gorilla will
also damge houehold fiztures andfittings
in peculiar and inexplicable ways, and introduce substances such as floor polish, multisurface cleaner, and talcum powder into the mouths of sleeping
disposing of any fruit juice or other beverages which
might be used to disperse
the resultant dry mout and awful taste.
also conceal or destroy all stocks of tea, coffee, and medications suitable for relieving hangovers.
In the process of performing the above
tasks, the Gorilla will
furniture, strew clothes around, and cause utter chaos, like a quiet but extremely thorough